Just in case you overslept, or if your invitation was lost in the wash, maybe you simply want to relive the moment. This is the speech I made on the occasion of my brother signing a document signifying the beginning of his life sentence.
It all started innocuously enough I haven’t been to many weddings in my time, and I’ve certainly never had the privilege of being the best man before. So I’m not really sure what my official role is. Rightly or wrongly, I’ve just assumed that my main duty is to tell embarrassing stories about the groom since it’s too late for Sharni to back out now.
After giving this some thought you’ll be relieved to hear that I decided maybe this was a little inappropriate and immature.
So I won’t tell you about the time we were on a family holiday and Geoffrey decided that he’d gone five minutes without annoying someone. So in adhering to his principles he quickly found an activity that would irritate a hapless younger victim. He began to walk in closer proximity to my heels than I could tolerate. However this didn’t last very long as I took evasive action. Increasing my speed I walked towards a low metal bar, ducking at the last moment, leaving Geoffrey to plunder awkwardly into the obstacle. Keeping to the holiday theme, I certainly won’t mention any of the long car drives to North West Tassie where one of Geoffrey’s trademarks when sitting in the back seat was to wait for the opportune moment when the trip had been peaceful for too long; at which point he would hit the two children seated in front of him simultaneously and watch the ensuing conflict unfold with great satisfaction. Of course it’s way off limits to discuss any of the long draining arguments that occurred between him and his parents. Not that I would tell you if I knew or anything – but I can’t actually remember what any of the arguments were about. All I remember is that some of them lasted for days. It was wearing enough to be in the same house let alone be on the receiving end. (Cough) Good luck Sharni!
After giving this some thought you’ll be relieved to hear that I decided maybe this was a little inappropriate and immature.
So I won’t tell you about the time we were on a family holiday and Geoffrey decided that he’d gone five minutes without annoying someone. So in adhering to his principles he quickly found an activity that would irritate a hapless younger victim. He began to walk in closer proximity to my heels than I could tolerate. However this didn’t last very long as I took evasive action. Increasing my speed I walked towards a low metal bar, ducking at the last moment, leaving Geoffrey to plunder awkwardly into the obstacle. Keeping to the holiday theme, I certainly won’t mention any of the long car drives to North West Tassie where one of Geoffrey’s trademarks when sitting in the back seat was to wait for the opportune moment when the trip had been peaceful for too long; at which point he would hit the two children seated in front of him simultaneously and watch the ensuing conflict unfold with great satisfaction. Of course it’s way off limits to discuss any of the long draining arguments that occurred between him and his parents. Not that I would tell you if I knew or anything – but I can’t actually remember what any of the arguments were about. All I remember is that some of them lasted for days. It was wearing enough to be in the same house let alone be on the receiving end. (Cough) Good luck Sharni!
Oops! Too late to back out now No, none of these things will be mentioned. Instead I will give you a serious portrait of the character of this gentleman in the grey suit by taking you through a journey of his life. Okay, let’s not pretend I’ve had the pleasure of knowing him for his whole life. As you may or may not be aware, of the four siblings, Geoffrey was always a great deal older than the other three since he was born in the eighties, whilst Ben, Caroline and I were all nineties babies.
In understanding what sort of activities Geoffrey pursued in the lengthy period before I was born, I did what anyone from my generation – that is those born in the nineties or later—would do: I googled typical eighties activities. It turns out that the 1980s were a decade filled with “scrunchies, tight spandex and big hair”. That’s about as far as my research took me before I was preoccupied with other things.
In understanding what sort of activities Geoffrey pursued in the lengthy period before I was born, I did what anyone from my generation – that is those born in the nineties or later—would do: I googled typical eighties activities. It turns out that the 1980s were a decade filled with “scrunchies, tight spandex and big hair”. That’s about as far as my research took me before I was preoccupied with other things.
He didn't just say that?! By the time I made Geoffrey’s acquaintance in the nineties, he was dressed much more conservatively and had had a haircut. My memories of those early days are somewhat foggy. And I must admit that I cannot actually recall my first meeting with Geoffrey. But we can’t let that get in the way of a good story now can we? Sources over the years have informed me that there may be a good reason as to why I have very few memories of our first encounters. It has been reported that as a younger sibling I was received with hostility and even violence in the early days.
But after the initial honeymoon period (pun intended), Geoffrey came to realise that a playmate may not be such a bad idea. If I can trust my memories of the times spent together as children, I believe we got on relatively well in spite of the generational gap inevitable between eighties and nineties babies. From racing trikes around the corner in our backyard (featuring many collisions of course), to playing basketball at the hoop next door, backyard cricket and riding bikes, memories of these outdoor activities tend to dominate the early years.
But after the initial honeymoon period (pun intended), Geoffrey came to realise that a playmate may not be such a bad idea. If I can trust my memories of the times spent together as children, I believe we got on relatively well in spite of the generational gap inevitable between eighties and nineties babies. From racing trikes around the corner in our backyard (featuring many collisions of course), to playing basketball at the hoop next door, backyard cricket and riding bikes, memories of these outdoor activities tend to dominate the early years.
Time for some serious payback! It was during this period in which grandpa built and donated a go-cart for our use. By this time there were three young boys in the family with energy to expend. I’m sure it was with the best intentions in regards to safety and wellbeing that Geoffrey decided that to use the kart, one must have passed a series of practical tests and obtained a go-cart licence which was to be officially sanctioned by none other than himself. I remember going through the courses in which he constructed down the hill in our backyard. It was some achievement to receive the official documentation signifying I was now a licenced driver. I also remember that Geoffrey was insistent on adherence to his system and when Ben failed to comply with the requirements laid before him, he was refused a licence. Little did any of us know, this early failure to obtain vehicular licencing would set a pattern for later endeavours. Perhaps Ben is still haunted by his early four wheeled experiences.
Following the years spent together as children I decided it might not be such a bad idea to follow Geoffrey into the teens. And so we became teenagers. During our teenage years I think there were a few more conflicts between us. A lingering memory is a period where he was determined to be in bed before nine and the house was to be absolutely silent. This did not comply with my personal rehearsal schedule and resulted in multiple disagreements which made life interesting for all involved.
Following the years spent together as children I decided it might not be such a bad idea to follow Geoffrey into the teens. And so we became teenagers. During our teenage years I think there were a few more conflicts between us. A lingering memory is a period where he was determined to be in bed before nine and the house was to be absolutely silent. This did not comply with my personal rehearsal schedule and resulted in multiple disagreements which made life interesting for all involved.
Ok, fair call I believe it was in his late teens that Geoffrey met Sharni. Now the groom's mother likes to tell the story of their first date and is more qualified to do so than I, so for those who haven’t heard it I will leave that to her. In short it involves a phone call in the early hours of the morning requesting the presence of a second vehicle complete with jump leads.
Unfortunately I can’t tell you too many embarrassing stories about Sharni’s childhood that wouldn’t be completely fabricated. So I will leave that to the maid of honour perhaps. What I can tell you is that from my observations Sharni is a delightful character and Geoffrey is clearly lucky to have met her. Despite lingering health concerns Sharni is always smiling and positive.
Unfortunately I can’t tell you too many embarrassing stories about Sharni’s childhood that wouldn’t be completely fabricated. So I will leave that to the maid of honour perhaps. What I can tell you is that from my observations Sharni is a delightful character and Geoffrey is clearly lucky to have met her. Despite lingering health concerns Sharni is always smiling and positive.
What the ??! Geoffrey and Sharni have clearly enjoyed each other’s company from the outset. From my limited insight into their relationship I can tell you the story of an early gift Geoffrey received from Sharni. One of our neighbours used to come over a fair bit and join in sporting activities, etc. He was also born in the nineties, and thus was more accustomed to some of the new trends than the conservative eighties Geoffrey. On a particular occasion Geoffrey pointed out to him that he was wearing a necklace and necklaces are for girls. Guess what he received from Sharni a short time later as a gift. Well his perspective seemed to change rather quickly.
I suppose their relationship can be likened to the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for the winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But when the winter came, and the grasshopper died, the octopus ate all his acorns. And also he got a race car. As to the relevance of the previous few sentences, you’ll have to question my younger brother. The quote from Futurama or something was included upon his recommendation.
I suppose their relationship can be likened to the story of the grasshopper and the octopus. All year long, the grasshopper kept burying acorns for the winter, while the octopus mooched off his girlfriend and watched TV. But when the winter came, and the grasshopper died, the octopus ate all his acorns. And also he got a race car. As to the relevance of the previous few sentences, you’ll have to question my younger brother. The quote from Futurama or something was included upon his recommendation.
As I’m sure you’ve concluded from my ramblings, now that we are grown men – or at least pretend to be – Geoffrey has grown into an honest, reliable and decent gentleman. I’m sure that if he is half as good at being a husband as he is at being a brother, Sharni and Geoffrey will have a most enjoyable (if not interesting) marriage.
On that note, I wish Geoffrey and Sharni all the best for a long and happy marriage.
So here’s to the happy couple.
On that note, I wish Geoffrey and Sharni all the best for a long and happy marriage.
So here’s to the happy couple.
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