3 Holding Position
4 Changing Nappies
About the Author
Gaskell’s time spent as a child sets him apart from conventional childhood psychologists, who obtain qualifications through theoretical speculation and other equally unreliable sources. As a child, Gaskell gained an insight into the young mind and is thus perfectly placed to publish an instruction manual to assist unenlightened first-time parents.
Humans take approximately eighteen years to mature physically and often much longer to reach mental stability (some males take up to forty years before they are considered emotionally mature). Whilst this startling reality can be daunting at first, it is reassuring to note that most children do not require the same level of care when they are thirty-nine years old compared to when they were a newborn. In fact, research has shown the first three years of a child’s life to be the most critical. Thus, it is suggested that you love and nurture your child in accordance with this guide for the first three years. When this critical period has expired, you may neglect your child if their needs become inconvenient without fear of severe long-term repercussions.
The problem with popular methods of baby handling is the ease at which a baby can slip from one’s arms. Careful examination of the shape of a baby leads to the observation that, much like fully grown humans, a baby’s feet protrude perpendicular to its legs. This convenient phenomenon provides a natural anti-slip mechanism which can be fully utilised without the need to tamper with the baby’s natural body shape. Placing a hand around the infant’s ankle, the protruding foot prevents the baby from becoming dislodged from the handlers grasp, thus providing a safe and effective means for transporting the baby with minimal risk of serious injury. For additional security, a second hand can be wrapped around the baby’s other ankle.
Step 1: Place baby in sink.
Step 2: Remove dirty nappy using available utensils (tongs, cutlery, etc.) as necessary so as to avoid unwanted contact with undesirable substances.
Step 3: Run water over baby until a clean finish has been achieved. Meanwhile: lay a clean nappy (either a tea-towel or table cloth make good substitutes for a nappy if none is forthcoming) on the bench. Fold corners to create a trapezoid shape.
Note that whilst the fundamental technique required to change a nappy is comparable to making a sandwich, it is not recommended that the soiled nappy be consumed; unless of course the nappy has been adequately sterilised.
I would wish you luck as new parents; however adherence to the procedures outlined in this manual will eliminate all need for such a thing. Au revoir and happy parenting!