By Andrew Gaskell
For Geoffrey & Sharni
Contents
1 About the Author
2 Introduction
3 Holding Position
4 Changing Nappies
5 Communication
6 Sleeping
7 Crying
8 Discipline
9 Food
10 Summary
2 Introduction
3 Holding Position
4 Changing Nappies
5 Communication
6 Sleeping
7 Crying
8 Discipline
9 Food
10 Summary
About the Author
Figure 1: The author spent time as a child before maturing into a fully-fledged adult Andrew Gaskell was born an infant, before growing into a young child. He left childhood behind to pursue life as a teenager, later emerging as an adult.
Gaskell’s time spent as a child sets him apart from conventional childhood psychologists, who obtain qualifications through theoretical speculation and other equally unreliable sources. As a child, Gaskell gained an insight into the young mind and is thus perfectly placed to publish an instruction manual to assist unenlightened first-time parents.
Gaskell’s time spent as a child sets him apart from conventional childhood psychologists, who obtain qualifications through theoretical speculation and other equally unreliable sources. As a child, Gaskell gained an insight into the young mind and is thus perfectly placed to publish an instruction manual to assist unenlightened first-time parents.
Introduction
Figure 2: Some male adults fail to reach full maturity It is not uncommon to hear the following phrase bellowed by despondent first-time parents: Children don’t come with an instruction manual. Well, they do now. The following guide will provide you with all the latest scientifically proven methods of infant care to ensure your child reaches their full potential in a world full of ill-informed parents where mishaps are the norm.
Humans take approximately eighteen years to mature physically and often much longer to reach mental stability (some males take up to forty years before they are considered emotionally mature). Whilst this startling reality can be daunting at first, it is reassuring to note that most children do not require the same level of care when they are thirty-nine years old compared to when they were a newborn. In fact, research has shown the first three years of a child’s life to be the most critical. Thus, it is suggested that you love and nurture your child in accordance with this guide for the first three years. When this critical period has expired, you may neglect your child if their needs become inconvenient without fear of severe long-term repercussions.
Humans take approximately eighteen years to mature physically and often much longer to reach mental stability (some males take up to forty years before they are considered emotionally mature). Whilst this startling reality can be daunting at first, it is reassuring to note that most children do not require the same level of care when they are thirty-nine years old compared to when they were a newborn. In fact, research has shown the first three years of a child’s life to be the most critical. Thus, it is suggested that you love and nurture your child in accordance with this guide for the first three years. When this critical period has expired, you may neglect your child if their needs become inconvenient without fear of severe long-term repercussions.
Holding Position
Figure 3: Approved baby-handling position Dropping the baby is every parent’s worst nightmare. By heeding the following advice, carers can ensure that the infant is held securely in a manner that is both practical and convenient.
The problem with popular methods of baby handling is the ease at which a baby can slip from one’s arms. Careful examination of the shape of a baby leads to the observation that, much like fully grown humans, a baby’s feet protrude perpendicular to its legs. This convenient phenomenon provides a natural anti-slip mechanism which can be fully utilised without the need to tamper with the baby’s natural body shape. Placing a hand around the infant’s ankle, the protruding foot prevents the baby from becoming dislodged from the handlers grasp, thus providing a safe and effective means for transporting the baby with minimal risk of serious injury. For additional security, a second hand can be wrapped around the baby’s other ankle.
The problem with popular methods of baby handling is the ease at which a baby can slip from one’s arms. Careful examination of the shape of a baby leads to the observation that, much like fully grown humans, a baby’s feet protrude perpendicular to its legs. This convenient phenomenon provides a natural anti-slip mechanism which can be fully utilised without the need to tamper with the baby’s natural body shape. Placing a hand around the infant’s ankle, the protruding foot prevents the baby from becoming dislodged from the handlers grasp, thus providing a safe and effective means for transporting the baby with minimal risk of serious injury. For additional security, a second hand can be wrapped around the baby’s other ankle.
Changing Nappies
Figure 4: A kitchen is an ideal place to undertake a nappy changing procedure Changing a nappy is not dissimilar to making a sandwich. A qualified sandwich maker will have little difficulty in adapting their skills to nappy implementation. The first step of changing a nappy is to identify the need. This is generally recognised by an unpleasant odour emanating from the source. Once the need has been recognised, the parent should proceed to find an appropriate room to undertake the nappy changing procedure. Like sandwich-making, a kitchen is the recommended room that this should take place. A kitchen will provide all the useful utensils required for the process. The following directive will ensure a satisfactory transition for all parties involved:
Step 1: Place baby in sink.
Step 2: Remove dirty nappy using available utensils (tongs, cutlery, etc.) as necessary so as to avoid unwanted contact with undesirable substances.
Step 3: Run water over baby until a clean finish has been achieved. Meanwhile: lay a clean nappy (either a tea-towel or table cloth make good substitutes for a nappy if none is forthcoming) on the bench. Fold corners to create a trapezoid shape.
Step 1: Place baby in sink.
Step 2: Remove dirty nappy using available utensils (tongs, cutlery, etc.) as necessary so as to avoid unwanted contact with undesirable substances.
Step 3: Run water over baby until a clean finish has been achieved. Meanwhile: lay a clean nappy (either a tea-towel or table cloth make good substitutes for a nappy if none is forthcoming) on the bench. Fold corners to create a trapezoid shape.
Figure 5: Make use of available resources Step 4: Remove baby from sink (see recommended holding position) and transfer to bench. Fold the short parallel edge of trapezoid through the baby’s legs, and then wrap corners of long edge around the infant’s waist to meet short edge. Fix the nappy in place using available implements (e.g. corncob holders).
Note that whilst the fundamental technique required to change a nappy is comparable to making a sandwich, it is not recommended that the soiled nappy be consumed; unless of course the nappy has been adequately sterilised.
Note that whilst the fundamental technique required to change a nappy is comparable to making a sandwich, it is not recommended that the soiled nappy be consumed; unless of course the nappy has been adequately sterilised.
Communication
Figure 6: Babies are much more intelligent than they are given credit for Learn to speak French. It is a little known fact that all infants are born with the ability to speak fluent French. Oblivious to this fact, the majority of parents around the world have difficulty understanding their child’s intentions until their child’s natural language has been replaced with the parent’s native tongue. Be prepared to be shocked – young infants will know more French curse words than most adults have brain cells.
Sleeping
Figure 7: Alcohol provides a convenient method of sedation when required Some babies feel the need to rebel against regular bedtime hours. On those occasions when the baby wakes up during the hours of darkness, a strong solution of whiskey will often sedate the infant back into slumber. Just be sure to have an effective hangover remedy prepared in the morning. As a first time parent, you should be well versed in such antidotes.
Crying
Figure 8: Give rational instruction Humans are born rational. It is only after being subjected to irrational concepts that people develop irrational behaviour and ideas. Thus, the best way to prevent a baby from crying is to appeal to their natural sense of reason. Explain to them (in French of course) that crying is considered distasteful and if they want something they should enquire politely. Put to them the argument that crying does not achieve anything useful and that courtesy will save energy and is much more pleasant for all involved. This will ensure your child develops manners from an early age without shedding unnecessary tears. In the unlikely event that the child refuses to adhere to logical reasoning, the infant can either be sedated (see sleeping), or disciplined.
Discipline
Figure 9: A harsh but necessary punishment Keep a film adaption of Jane Austen’s Pride and Prejudice handy. When your child misbehaves, handcuff them to a chair and play the film. Ten minutes exposure should be enough to set your child on the straight and narrow for years to come. Ensure that you choose an isolated location to perform this punishment to prevent unnecessary distress to innocent parties (yourself included). It should also be noted that overexposure is not recommended. No one has ever completed a full screening of the abovementioned monstrosity and retained their sanity.
Food
Figure 10: Provide access to facilities When it’s their turn to cook, make sure you provide the infant with a satisfactory means of accessing the facilities. It is recommended that a recipe be provided for the baby to follow, as not all infants can cook intuitively.
Summary
Figure 11: Superman grew up under the Gaskell method of parenting Strict adherence to the comprehensive instruction provided in this manual will not only ensure that your infant is subject to the best possible methods of care, but will also grow into an outstanding human being. All children who have been brought up under the parenting guidelines proposed by Gaskell have become exceptional members of society. Anybody whom you admire or respect was likely a subject of Gaskell’s innovative parenting techniques. If you wish your child to succeed in life, you can do no better than follow the directions outlined in the preceding segments.
I would wish you luck as new parents; however adherence to the procedures outlined in this manual will eliminate all need for such a thing. Au revoir and happy parenting!
I would wish you luck as new parents; however adherence to the procedures outlined in this manual will eliminate all need for such a thing. Au revoir and happy parenting!
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